Learning to Be Happy

When I was young, I believed the same nonsense that a lot of people believe about happiness – that it comes from the flashy veneer of the American dream: money, status, and power. But then I grew up (unlike too many other people, who only grow older) and I began to see that these things often destroyed happiness. I learned that happiness only comes from inner qualities, such as courage, altruism, and optimism. Happiness comes from the self. But where is the self? Who is the self? Who are you? If you don’t know, you’ll never be happy, because you‘ll never be able to connect with the inner, core qualities that make happiness possible. You’ll just travel through life in circles, always going, always intent – never arriving, never content. You should, in fact, be able to describe exactly who you are, right now, in the proverbial 25 words or less.

Why should you know yourself, because that’s exactly who you chose to be. You put tremendous effort into making those choices. As you made these choices, you discovered something that now seems obvious, but which seems to escape many people:

Choosing feels good. Like all the happiness tools, it is intrinsically satisfying. There’s nothing like the feeling of calling the shots in your own life. It’s better than struggling to make people like you by always doing what they choose. It’s better than the career success you can achieve by doing what you’re told. According to happiness research, choosing feels better than almost anything. Self-determination is a concept that says people are happiest when they’re able to make their own choices. The main thing that made personal events feel good was the sense of being in charge and included experiencing feelings of autonomy, competence, and self-esteem. Here is a complete list of what makes events satisfying.
1. Autonomy; self-esteem; relatedness (tree-way tie)
2. Competence
3. Pleasure
4. Self-actualization; physical thriving (tie)
5. Security
6. Popularity; influence (tie)
7. Money

Those individual that choose their own goals instead of having them foisted off on us by other people, are much more l likely to achieve them. And the initial success could be a springboard for continued achievement. When goals come from the heart, success begets further success and creates a spiral of success.

Another important reason choice feels good is because it is the ultimate expression of free will. Free will defines us as human beings and is the foundation of self-esteem. We only have self-esteem when we act in accord with our own values, and to do this, we’ve got to make choices – oftentimes tough ones. It’s not easy to live up to your values. But when you choose to follow your beliefs, you get a feeling like no other. Thus, choice is the human burden – and the human blessing. It is our only path to genuine appreciation of self, and this aspect of appreciation is absolutely indispensable for happiness. Every choice has consequences, and these consequences create our lives – for better or for worse. Furthermore, when taken to its extreme, the act of making important life choices can be far more than just satisfying. It can literally be enlightening. This occurs when someone achieves a moment of ultimate understanding of his or her heart, soul, and self – an epiphany.